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life

Life: maintenance vs. development

It seems like I’m spending most of the time of my life with maintenance. So much effort goes into just keeping things up and running: Working to be able to pay the rent, doing laundry, washing dishes, cleaning up, cooking, eating, cleaning up again, sleeping to be able to go to work again the next day.

I would like to point out that I am not a high-maintenance person. I don’t need any extras. Actually there are quite a few things that most people around me think are absolutely necessary but that I prefer to do without: a car, a TV, all those technical gadgets and toys – I don’t need those things and more importantly: I don’t want to have to maintain those things.

But I am not very radical, I am no rebel, I am actually pretty conventional: I have a full-time job, I pay my taxes, I live in a small apartment, I am tired and unhappy. Just conventionally tired and unhappy, not radically tired and unhappy.

And every now and then the thought pops up: I can’t stand this anymore. I gotta change something. I gotta change everything.
But at the time that this thought pops into my mind, I am so busy with the maintenance of my life that I say: Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll start changing my life.

It’s always tomorrow.

I don’t believe in resolutions because I know that I am lazy and I’ll always say: Tomorrow.
But maybe this one is small enough to have a chance: I am not gonna change everything. In fact I am not gonna change anything. I will just pay a little more attention to those little moments when – in between of all the maintenance – life happens. And when such a moment comes, I will make myself become aware of it, hold on to it – for just a moment – and then let it go again.

(Who knows, maybe one of these moments might even cause a small change in my life? Maybe there might even be a tiny chance for development – and not just maintenance – in my life?)

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